Cure Me

I wish there was a cure. I wish there was some magical drug or medicine that I could take. Pop two pills a day, and away goes the misery, the heartache.

No more missing you constantly. No more thinking about you all the time. No more wishing, wondering, 'what if?'

No more laying in bed at 3am, staring at the ceiling and desperately hoping to fall asleep, thinking and thinking and thinking.

No more remembering, no more sifting through memories, trying to find sense or reason or meaning in them, wondering what it all meant.

No more hoping.

And then I can just go back to how I was before, and I can move on with my life.

I wish there was a cure for love.

I am getting sappier and sappier. Someone please kill me now and put me out of my misery before I turn into a spinless jellyfish. =__=

Do You Know?

Returning briefly from my hiatus to be a little random here:

He knows. And now I know that he knows... but he doesn't know that I know that he knows.

Well, maybe he knows that I know that he knows, though I have no way of knowing for sure... but that would just be totally messed up, because I don't want him to know that I know that he knows, since I have no way of knowing what happens after that. And when he knows that I know that he knows that I know that he knows... then that will be just completely fubar.

Or we can just continue ignoring it like we always have, and pretend neither of us knows anything. Yes, that is the best after all.

Have I lost you yet? lolz

On Hiatus...

...until further notice.

Because this blog sucks.

Because I'm bored and uninspired, and I can't he half-assed to write anymore.

Maybe one day, when I get my funny bone back. Or maybe I can just delete this blog and start over. I don't feel much like being a koala anymore, anyway.

See ya~

I Don't Understand...

... why I have to order my transcript from UTP. Doesn't every student need their transcript? Can't they print it out beforehand, instead of making us go to them, order it, then come back a week later to get it? What the heck is that, anyway? =__=

Confession

When I was a kid, I used to get into trouble with my mum a lot. She always used to say, I was incurably selfish.

I didn't mean to be, nor did I want to be selfish... so I tried being nice to everyone, as much as I could. But being nice is something that doesn't come naturally to me, I guess. However hard I tried, I always fuck up somehow or the other in the end.

I guess people like me aren't meant to love, and be loved, because I just don't know how to. I guess I don't deserve it. Even the friends that I have now, I wonder sometimes how or why they put up with me.

But I'm tired... really tired. Tired of trying to be nice, trying to stop being selfish. Forcing yourself to be something you're not is hard. And maybe I should be more selfish, after all. Because I'm hurting myself trying not to step on other people's toes.

And two days ago, I realised something important about myself, something that I've been trying to run away from for the past two years or so, maybe longer. I'm not going to run away from it anymore, and I'm going to accept it. And hopefully, by accepting it I can overcome it... and let it go.

I give up trying to be a better person. I'm not even a person, I'm just a mess.

Addiction

This made me smile when I saw it. I wish so too!

Sourced from PostSecret.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

I was just remembering the movie, and how convenient it was that one could wipe clean one's memory of a particular person, erase every single memory of an entire relationship.

I kind of wished for a while that I could do that... but it's silly. I deleted all the miscellaneous messages on my phone that I'd been saving since Day One, and it was painful. I tried to delete all the photos we took together, the song he wrote me... and even that I couldn't do, and it's all sitting around somewhere on my hard disk. I have no idea if I'll ever be able to bring myself to delete them. I can't even begin to imagine how hard it would be to work up the nerve to physically erase whole memories.

But I guess it wouldn't be a good thing after all, would it? We're supposed to learn from our experiences... and things happen for a reason, anyway. It would all have been so pointless if it's just something you do, and then forget about after... as though it was something so meaningless, which it definitely wasn't. And even though it's painful now, I know I'll treasure those memories, always. I have no regrets.

I have no idea why I'm suddenly thinking so hard about a movie I watched years ago. I must be going quite mad, lolz. I guess I just need to sleep, which I shall do soon. goodnight~

Results

Results are out! Well, they were actually out last night, but I slept early and missed all the excitement and commotion. I woke up this morning and logged on to facebook, only to see 'congratulations' and 'I've graduated!' all over people's walls.

Despite the fact that I am an unemployed bum nowadays, I have difficulty staying asleep for longer than 8 hours. So when I slept at 12:05am last night, it was 8:05am when I got up. Exactly. And then I was sitting in front of my pc for a good hour or two, trying to work up the nerve to check my results.

Don was supposed to check mine for me and vice versa, like we usually do... but since it was still early in the morning, it wasn't possible for him to check for me, as he was still fast asleep. =__= I waited... and waited... and thought about checking it myself, but never mind, Don promised... he promised... in the end I asked someone else to check for me. lolz

So in the end my grades were alright after all... Not spectacular, but not horrible either.. just alright. lolz I am the epitome of mediocrity.

So... now what? My sponsor finally called me to inform me of my interview, which will be on the 27th. Am nervous! But at least I have a week to prepare... get all my documents in order, scrub my general knowledge so that it's up to date, do some light reading... heiihh.

At the moment, I'm really just killing time until I go to fetch Hasif from tuition in a bit. Yay.

... Sometimes I miss those days when I wasn't afraid to just write whatever I wanted to on my blog without bothering to censor. It seems like nowadays everything I think or feel about, is stuff that I can't write about, because it's somewhat sensitive. Hence I started a diary. But it's been a while since I touched that, too. ah well.

Let's Try Something New..?

So I realised lately while talking to my friends, there are a whole bunch of things that I've never done or tried... and now that it's a new year, I'm going to try them! My life motto is, after all, to try (almost) anything once! Credit goes to Illy for suggesting this list~ =)

#1: Learn to ride a bicycle

I've never had the chance to ride one before. My super-protective parents never let me venture outside the house as a kid, so I never got to learn. The most I did was ride on a tricycle round and round the driveway until I was too big to sit on it anymore. =__= I am also quite tired of people giving me looks of disbelief when I tell them I can't ride a bike, and I'm also tired of Don making fun of me for it. Dammit I wanna learn! ... Anyone willing to loan me their bicycle at the risk of it being scratched badly..? >__>

#2: Try roller-blading

Same as #1... never had the chance to try.

#3: Go on a picnic

The last time I went on a picnic, my age was in single-digits.. lolz Would like to go on one again, this time with friends... on a date would be nice too, but I don't see that as being achievable in the near future, lolz

#4: Fly a kite

I never got to play with one as a kid (my childhood was spent almost entirely indoors). Then I used to see people flying kites in UTP and wanted very badly to try it, but somehow it never happened. One of those little promises that people make, but never end up fulfilling... it's too late for that now, I guess. aaaargh, I'm not going to think about that again, won't, won't won't...

#5: Taman Tasik Perdana

I don't think I've been there before. Driven by plenty of times, but never actually been there. Would very very much like to go! And come to think of it, the planetarium and the museums and whatever miscellaneous attractions in KL... yes, I want to go to those too. Petrosains I can skip, I've been there so many times (plus I used to volunteer there) that I've practically memorized the whole thing, haha.

#6: Island holiday

Would be nice to go on one with friends, since I've never been on a proper one before... lolz. This one won't be any time soon though... Wait until I've gotten a job though, else there'd be no funds for the trip!

Ok, there are probably a lot more things that I want to put on the list... I just can't think of any right now lolz. Any suggestions are welcome~

Outdoors

Lately all I've been blogging about is the music I'm listening to. I'm lacking inspiration to blog, but music I can never get tired of.

And zomg, I stumbled across this today. I freaking love Jason Mraz's music, and this adaptation for Sesame Street is just too adorable XD

Numbers

Three days from now, a list of numbers will be released that shall quantify the 'value' and 'knowledge' of UTP students, including those of us who have (unofficially) graduated, and will be needing those numbers to apply for careers with various companies.

Needless to say, I am scared shitless.

First Love

I can't sing along to this song anymore without bursting into tears halfway through. Gawd I'm such a sap =___=

I Think I'm In Love

This video totally made my day. This guy is awesome!

Most random medley ever. Can you even call it a medley? hahaha

Already Gone

It's a bleak and dreary morning today, absolutely devoid of sunshine. I guess it's going to rain this afternoon.

I've gotten my internet connection back as of yesterday, but still there isn't much that I can blog about. I generally like to post up things that are amusing on this page, but lately it seems that there isn't much that I find amusing. My mood is often much like the weather is today.

Sorry for the bland tone, but today is just one of those days. I didn't even feel like getting out of bed, and would have been content to curl up in a ball and go back to sleep... but then I just couldn't go back to sleep, for whatever reason.

Lately, I've been listening to this song: Already Gone, by Kelly Clarkson. It's amazing how I feel sad to the point of wanting to cry every time I hear this song, and yet still want to listen to it repeatedly. I must be some kind of sick masochist.

I guess there are few people who haven't heard this song yet, seeing as they overplay it on the radio... but here it is, anyway. Listen to the lyrics properly, if you haven't already.

The music video doesn't do much for me, though. I think it had the potential to be a real tear-jerker... but invisible violin players aren't something that can make you cry, though >__> I kind of wish the music video had been something with a storyline... remember Because I'm A Girl by Kiss? I know guys who cried watching that video... and they don't even know what the lyrics mean!

owh well. Here's the live version instead, I love it better.

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

Even with our fists held high
It never would've worked out right
We were never meant for do or die

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you, now I can't stop

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry

Started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so, I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone